The Flopper


We’ve all been there whether it is a child, partner or dog. We’ve all been a victim of The Flopper. By Flopper I mean that person or animal that flops around all night long making your night of sweet slumber a no go. Enter Riley….to be fair when she wakes she usually comes in to my bed, milk in hand, drinks then sleeps, it’s all good. Last night was a different story, enter the dreaded invisible evil puppeteer that resembles the work of Freddy Krueger in A Nightmare on Elm Street 3, he came out to play. She was up, walking to the end of the bed, flopping about like a drunken thunderbird. You would think that would be enough fun for her at 3.30am, but alas, I was yet to experience the Alien sucker face experience. After her drunken walk back from the end of the bed she continued to perform the ritual dance of The Flopper. She proceeds towards my face, mouth wide open, all wet from the milk and chuckling away to herself. The lips now lock on and the Alien sucker face begins, it’s pretty gross if I’m honest. Lets face it, no matter how much you love your child, you don’t want their milky baby spit all over your face. So once the spit was all over my face I now get the other end of my delightful child, the arse. She sits on my face with a lovely waft of pee up my nose followed by a machine gun of baby farts, she thinks this is hilarious, me not so much.


By this time it is about 4.30am and I am by no means a religious person, but I was praying to all the gods in the sky to have mercy on my soul and put her to sleep. My pleas were not answered, probably because God was thinking…fook you…you can’t believe in me when your desperate and expect me just to step up and sort it…you are on your own you atheist, burning in hell heathen. As the night continued she just continued to flop around like a baby seal while kicking me in the face and pushing me out of the bed. Eventually at about 5am she fell asleep so I managed another hour before the glorious sound of my alarm bellowed through my head, not waking Riley of course. I am going to pray tonight that she doesn’t act this way, because after all if I pray enough then God will finally answer my plea for help. So to all you out there that have been a victim of The Flopper, I feel for you and for the love of God, if you haven’t prayed before, start now for a head start so that when you really need God to step in, he will. Apparently that is how it works.


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