I have debated with myself on whether or not to write about this topic, wasn’t sure how it would be received. There are probably people out there that can relate but dare not say for fear of judgement. So I am going to say it, my kid is driving me around the bend, staying at home all day sometimes, quite often….sucks! I know many go through this and I shouldn’t be whinging, but I feel like I am actually losing the plot. What are you supposed to do with a child all day, I mean people actually go to university to learn how to look after a child, as a parent you are just handed them at the door and sent on your merry way. My partner and I had no experience whatsoever and here we are with this little person. What do you do! To be honest the start for me was actually the easiest, feed, change, cuddle, sleep, that’s about it, easy right. Then fast forward to your child’s first step, they get up and tumble and get up again, it is so cute you feel the need to document every bit of it and force it on to an unsuspecting audience. You then wish for your child to walk unaided, no help and oh so proud when they do. Then the shit hits the fan, not only can you child walk, but they now become what they think is an expert in extreme sports. They can now free climb a mountain, sky dive off a cliff and free run throughout the entire house. Cute, no exhausting, how many times can one person keep taking a child off of the kitchen table?
As the frustration starts to severely kick in and you wish you worked full time, anything to not have to spend all day with this monster, the guilt kicks in. The guilt kicks in because you are supposed to be happy that you get to spend this time with your child and not sit wishing your mum lived around the corner so you could dump her there. The guilt kicks in as she smiles and laughs at the same bloody nursery rhyme over and over again, yes we get it, the kittens have lost their bloody mittens and the kitten mum is being a bitch about it and not letting them have any pie until they find them. The guilt kicks in as you no longer find it amazing that she can do the same puzzle over and over again but you smile and clap along anyway. The guilt kicks in as you sit and watch your clock and pray it gets to 5.30 and your partner gets homes and takes over. The guilt kicks in as you go have 5 minutes for yourself and you spend it dreading that tomorrow it starts all over again. The guilt kicks in when she wraps her little arms around your neck, gives you a cuddle before bed and you realise that you have had such thoughts. The guilt kicks in as you realise you are just bored most days. So does this make me a bad mum, probably to some?
What I do know is that I do adore my child; I just don’t think I am particularly good at it, the entertaining that is. Yes, I look after her and I care for her when she is hurt, she is healthy and people do say happy, must be doing something right. I guess I just wish it came more natural. It is an adjustment like no other and work life is definitely easier. Maybe this is all because Riley is going through a serious tantrum, clingy, screaming, won’t let me out of her sight phrase, it is mentally draining. Saying all that, I do clap, sing and play along, because that is what you do. I also am grateful I have an amazing partner who is happy to give me that time to myself. I know others have it harder, someone always does. I guess should we as stay at home mums feel guilty because on occasion we want to run off with the circus?? So as I write this my child is napping, my favourite thing. Again, bad mum, just wishing they’d fall sleep for an hour.