Thought I’d start it off with a funny meme before I went in to it.
It is something we can all actually say and mean ‘you never know what goes on behind closed doors’. We can judge, but you never know and maybe when you are giving someone a hard time, it’d be good to remember that. For some the safety of their home is just that, a place of safety, for others it can be a place of fear, a place of despair or a place to be how you really are and no one in the outside world gets to see. I think I sometimes have ‘behind closed doors’ Lorraine and then the show I put on in the real world. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t every day, but a lot more lately. It took me until my last blog to really say how I felt in detail about being a stay at home mum, I don’t like expressing feelings too much. I’ll be honest, my main reason is down to embarrassment (so I’ll write it here for all to see lol) and also how people respond. There is nothing more frustrating when you express something you find difficult and people belittle it. For example, I never get to sleep, the odd few hours here and there, I’m exhausted and tearing my hair out. When this is expressed you may get a response such as ‘well that’s what happens when you have a child’ really is that what happens, are you fucking kidding. I’m like a walking zombie and the most helpful thing you can say is ‘well that’s what happens when you have a child’. Seriously, how more parents haven’t been done for punching someone in the face is beyond me?
So back to ‘behind closed doors’ and do I really what to write this. Well fuck it, it might help one mum or dad know they are not alone and make them feel a bit better. As you know I am a stay at home mum and unfortunately for me it is not something that comes naturally, in fact I can go as far as to say I pretty much can’t stand it some of the time. These thoughts of course bring on the lovely weight of guilt. I think that is what being a mum is, a shit ton of guilt, followed by lack of sleep and constantly looking like you live in a bin. When I worked full time and was a mum, life was a lot easier. Personally that is what I found. It is not that I can’t stand my child, I adore her, I just don’t know what to do with her day in and day out. I don’t and never have had that maternal instinct. When I was pregnant with Riley, people who have known me since my 20s were pretty shocked. When I was younger and didn’t want kids, I really didn’t. When we decided to try, to be honest we were happy either way, we never knew any better with not having any experience with babies. So what goes on behind my closed doors? A lot of tears, a lot of frustration, a lot of panic and a lot of anxiety. My partner works all day so I get to do this in complete privacy. I never had children young and I’m sure that brings its own issue but for the purpose of this I can only discuss what I know. I left home at 17 and pretty much did what I wanted and needed until 42, when Riley was born. Bam!!! Everything just changes and I was not prepared for it. Now it is constant panic and tears over what work I can do, where I can do it and how many hours I can do all while trying to earn enough to pay for childcare and live. This in turn brings on frustration, I am trying to do my masters, plan a wedding, want to buy a house (that’s not going to happen) trying to do a blog which may or may not make money one day, but I need to put in the work to see. As I am seriously sleep deprived and Riley needs attention all day apart from the odd nap, I struggle to do any of this and keep a house because I am just wrecked. This in turn brings on the anxiety, I never really had an issue with that before. So how do I get on behind closed doors, some days fine, some days I feel I need to be committed.
This post may seem like I’m whinging, others have it worse, and I do know that. I am just struggling with the change from all angles. My own partner didn’t really know how bad it was until today, that is how good I am at putting on a show with what I feel. I can be honest, but not with my own feelings. There is a pretty little box for those to hide in. So for all the mums and dads and people in general who are just finding it hard some days, you are not alone. To all those parents or to a person in charge of the care for another and you have those days where you just wish you had a completely different life, you are not alone. I have decided with this blog to be honest from a parenting point of view, it may not go down well with some. If you thrive at parenting with no issues then I commend you, you are a better parent than me, plus I envy you. Also not all my blogs will be sad ones, I promise.