OK so I know you are not supposed to call your kid an asshole, but let’s face it, who are we kidding, sometimes your kid is just an asshole. Having had no experience with children before my beautiful, lovely, little girl was born I thought the annoyance from your child would be screaming the house down in the middle of the night. While the middle of the night screams are not welcomed, they don’t actually bother me that much. When your child wakes up in the night it is comfort they need, maybe they are hungry, maybe they had a bad dream, either way comfort is what they get. When your child falls and hurts themselves, again comfort is what they get. Then your child becomes and toddler and they turn in to a bit of an asshole. I don’t know if most parents actually go through this, we certainly do. I’ve met a few kids over the years and just kinda thought they were a bit of an asshole, of course this information was always kept from the parents. So how is your child a bit of an asshole? Here are five reasons how my own child acts like a bit of an asshole.
- Crayons – My child likes to colour, so I got a colouring book, crayons, colouring pencils and thought we would have some colouring in time together. On occasion and yes my own fault I may leave her alone with the crayons, on the wall the drawing starts. When I take them from her and she has a nervous breakdown, but don’t draw on the walls. Now, you may think, she’s a toddler, she doesn’t know what she is doing. I call bullshit, she now waits for me to come back in the room, looks at me, smiles, then laughs and then draws on the wall. If that isn’t being an asshole, then what is?
- Food on the floor – why does your child throw food on the floor??? I’m not talking about it falls as they eat, I’m talking about them looking at you dead in the eye and throwing the food on the floor with a sinister grin. Damien is alive and well in Riley at times. The kid knows she isn’t supposed to do it, people say they are just children and they don’t know any different. Bullshit! The look says it all, she knows exactly what she is doing.
- The Poor Dog – We have a collie dog Richard, he is so old. One thing I wanted for my child is for her to love animals and not be afraid of them, lucky me she loves them. So what is the issue…she doesn’t leave the poor thing alone. She pulls his hair, she swings around on his tail and to be fair he was handling it quite well. Unfortunately this is no longer the case so she is separated from him every day as the snapping has started. She’s being an asshole towards him and when she’s swinging on his tail and I tell her off, the little shit laughs, she just laughs and carries on.
- When she wants something she can’t have – We all want our own way and we all might have a wee sulk if we don’t get it, but do we have the mother of all meltdowns when we don’t get it?? Well some might. My kid is such an asshole if she doesn’t get her own way, she goes absolutely insane. An example, the handle on the window. The handle on the window is too high for her so you have to lift her to it. Now how did she figure out she wanted to hold the handle, her parents were being nice and that shit just backfired in their faces. We lift her to say goodbye to people out the window and there it was, just sitting there waiting to be grabbed. She grabs the handle while you are holding her, eventually you are going to have to put her down, so down she goes, enter Chucky. My child has the mother of all tantrums, she cries until she can barely breathe. I do try to calm her down, I know nothing but standing by that window, holding her all day will sort her out. That’s not going to happen. Eventually she calms down after she has emptied her head of snot, lovely, and then she wants the comfort. So when she has calmed down and stopped acting like a complete and utter asshole, she then lets me, that’s right, lets me……..hug her.
- Pulls your hair – She thinks it’s bloody hilarious, would she think so if I did it to her. My lovely demon child likes to come up behind you and get a good grip and pull the hell out of your hair. She comes up behind you and starts with a hug, it’s so nice and you think of how sweet she is giving you a cuddle. No, she’s just luring you into a false sense of security before she rips the roots out of your head and then laughs her head off when you try and release her tight grip from.
When you speak to people about how your child is a bit of an asshole (you may not use the actual word) you get a flurry of suggestions. It really is rather annoying, but we all do it, me included. We have tried every approach to stop this behaviour, nothing works, she’s just an asshole sometimes. I’m hoping she grows out of it soon and becomes less of an asshole, until she becomes a teenager and then will probably become an asshole again. At the end of the day she’s my asshole and I love her. People tend to blame the parents when their kid acts like an asshole, this has shown me that sometimes you are powerless towards the wants of your child. Others may disagree, but let me tell you, I have seen plenty of kids act like complete assholes who have great parents.
The moments when she’s not being an asshole.