What the hell Santa, I thought us mothers had a deal. We use you as a way of getting our kids to do exactly what we want when we want. Sod that bloody Elf on a shelf he ain’t worth shit. We tell them the tale of how there is a naughty and nice list and as a result if you end up on the naughty list, no presents. This is supposed to make mothers lives easier. I’ve stuck to my end of the deal, but it would appear you haven’t. No matter how my child behaves, presents appear under the tree. I have been a good mother all year so I would like to put in my requests for what I want this Christmas. I have fed, clothed, played and soothed my child on a daily basis. I have taken my child to the doctors and dentist when needed. I have joined a playgroup where I voluntarily place myself in a situation where I don’t only play with my own child but tolerate others. I have spent the year without sleep and haven’t killed one single person. I have managed to keep a man while looking like a bag lady who hasn’t washed in ten years. I have managed to have a few nights out and still looked after my child while my head explodes and my stomach whizzes around like that of a roller coaster. Most of all I have watched every bloody episode of Peppa Pig more than one person should have to and still I sit here feeling optimistic about the new year. So here I am with a glass of well deserved wine to compose my list of what I would like for Christmas.
1) I would like my back, back to the way it was. I would like to arise from the couch without following the act with a groan. I never suffered from a bad back, why should I now.
2) I would like to have my left shoulder back, to lift an item without whimpering in pain.
3) I would like to go to the toilet without an audience and have a shower that lasted longer than two minutes.
4) I would like a coffee and actually finish it, especially in a coffee shop. Can she also be quiet and still in the coffee shop.
5) I would like to sleep all through the night, at least 6 hours, I’m not greedy.
6) I would like a high chair that has some sort of shield that prevents food being thrown on the floor.
7) I would like it if I could actually reason with my child, bribery isn’t working yet, and I need that.
8) I would like if my child preferred Stevie Nicks in the car rather than Little Baby Bums.
9) I would like my child to not draw on my walls and climb every counter she can reach every minute of the day.
10) I would like a year’s supply of Presecco and it not contain any calories.
I understand Santa I ask for a lot and if you were to speak to most mothers they would probably ask for the same thing. So Santa, sod if the kids are good, how about if the mothers are good. You see my list, make it happen.
P.S I’ll take number 5 if you can only manage one.